Sand paper

This blog is probably the hardest one i hav written by far. Originally this is actually a 750 word narrative essay that i had to do for my college english class. Some of it might make sense to you. or none will at all. Just to let you know alot of emotion,tears and prayer went into this piece. Thats why it was so hard for me to write it for some reason.. Anyways I hope you, the reader, get a kick out of it. So let me know what you think.
God bless.


Sand Paper :
Hurt people, hurt people. Why do we make the people that truly love us feel like crap when we feel used, abused and neglected? We make them victims and they didn’t even do anything to deserve it. “What you sew is what you reap.” Is what my Sunday school teacher always use to preach… Or from another angle, have you ever felt like the victim of something that you didn’t even know why they chose you out of all people to be victimized? To feel persecuted? To be betrayed? To be made the culprit? To make you look like the bad guy?

Instantly it’s a challenge to forgive that person with out re-evaluating what the hell you think you might have did wrong to deserve the stone in the first place, in my case. An accumulation of accusations can build up scar tissue in the place that you thought would be the refuge from the rest of the dying world. The hospital is where someone goes to for help. (So I thought the church was the same. But no ones perfect right?) However, depending on how extensive the causeless persecution or situation was and possibly how they still treat us afterwards. Are they truly repentant and sorry? Or are they still bitter, nasty jerks towards you, who ignore you and don’t even bother to say hi.

Hurting turns to hatred when left untreated. What sucks is when you know the person. Honestly it hurts way worse when the betrayal comes from a close friend (or so you thought that person was your friend?) It hurts more when the persecutor was a family member. And you never got a sorry back. Battles in the mind break out. Played back over and over and over. Day after day. Month after month. Season after season. Another year goes by and now it almost becomes an obsession. Whispers, imaginary conversations, getting even or even contemplating homicide. “STOOOOPPPPP!!!!!!!! What the hell is going on with me?” I ask the God that’s suppose to be helping me through this. “WHHHYYY God?!”, I cry out. “Why does this have to happen to me?”

Have you ever heard of the story about the potter and the clay? Or of the goldsmith? I was also taught these parables in bible class teachings. We are like clay being shaped and molded out of the potter’s hands. “Real soldiers are made in the battle field.” The hypocrite on the altar behind the pulpit shouts in your face. But despite the theological reproach, I grew up to believe that everything happens for a reason, everything for it’s own cause and purpose. I was taught that luck is not luck, but simply grace. And blessing in disguise. I could go on about loving your enemy and forgiveness which is needless to say the most important thing in life to do. But sand paper is suppose to smooth out the edges and at the same time its is really rough. Sand paper from social affliction. Sand paper from secrets and regrets. Sand paper from poverty restrictions. Sand paper from life in general! I have seen bad happen to the good.

“Rejoice in affliction!” he says. “,foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head."
I have no intensions of making the church sound or look purposely bad or hypocritical. But simply a warning and a message to all of what anyone might be expecting of it. “the enemy comes to attack and bring division.” So they say... I look back now at how painful my past was and I am flabbergasted myself.. Too painful (in my opinion to recall) I must be really weak. Because I have heard of far worse situations that others have gone through & I am just shaken when a little pebble is thrown at my head. Wow. That couldn’t have been my own strength to endure everything I’ve endured! But I finally see why people stay away from the hospital. The hospital of hypocrites. The hypocrites are all hurting inside. Where else should they go? I remember one time, on frequent occasions when my mom was just trying to have a conversation with me, she said nothing but two words and out of me comes “What the hell do you want?!! What are you looking at?!!!!” How messed up is that?. No one wants to be like that. And I am just so sorry. No one ever deserves to be talked to like that. Not even the mother who gave you the right to live. And I never want to be like that. Again. “forgive me.” I pray.

Becoming

an adult. So im a semi- fresh highschool grad of 10'- in community college already (which i am thankful & blessed for the grants & scholarship i recieved, got my permit at 17 & license @ 18. My abuelito gave me a cool 97' ford escort as a graduation gift. So anyways i dont want to say im an adult because i think im still young (hint "teens" 8-teen") not quite an adult yet, but becoming.. However its good to notify yourself that when you are driving, you have to be an adult. My dad says that. & i can agree because for the past 12 months i've been driving, you kinda have to think for some of these older adults that think they are going the speed limit & some of these younger kids who haught there little scions & box cars that have there heads in their butts. I asked God to give me patience bcuz Lord knows lately i've been having some trouble on the road. & by God's grace i have not got into a car wreck once & have not gotten stopped either! & the patience he gives.. I almost got into a couple of altercations already!!! The christian girl that i am almost turned into a fleshly monster honking at everyone!! i've honked at more ppl in a day than my mom did & does her whole life. I have not used a curse word at anyone on the road i only use "freakin idiot" & "jerk" when ppl are really being dumb. But i've been trying to keep my cool. I hate caring what other ppl think about me or my driving. Sometimes i turn fast just to get out of ppls way so they wont hit me from behind. & it annoys me when ppl drive to slow.the speed limit is like 55 & the guy in front of me is making me drive 40mph. I hate HEB parking lots & any other closed in spaces i have to park at. Anyways you can deff tell im not an adult yet is how i get back in my car-. On the passengers side! I realize whos driving again?? oh thats right-me. bcuz i was so use to riding with my mom all these years & i'd goeverywhere with her. it's so automatic that i immedately go to the passengers seat.. sometimes i forget that im the only one driving. & you're deff becoming an adult is when you open your purse & like 50 receipts are comming out!! Where did all these come from?? I get treated a little differently too.. It's weird.
Welcome to adulthood.